The World of Delusions as Seen by a Schizophrenia Patient (With Log)
📖Author: Nao
Surely what interests you all most is the world of delusional states in schizophrenia?
Though the inner world of schizophrenia may be incomprehensible, I imagine there are times you wish you could see it.
Doesn’t the prospect of knowing an unknown world greatly intrigue many people?
If one were to describe the world of delusional states in a single phrase, it might be called ‘self-collapse’.
This is because, as the common sense one has believed in shifts, one’s own thoughts change simultaneously. In a state where the unseen becomes visible and the unheard becomes audible, the usual self seems to be erased, to the point where it feels as though another self is acting.
In other words, one becomes prone to anger, makes advances towards the opposite sex, suddenly starts job hunting, or does things the usual self would not do.
Previously,
I posted a video on YouTube showing the progression of a changing personality. This state of delusion, precisely because of this shift in personality and the irrationality of one’s thoughts, perfectly fits the expression losing oneself.
Of course, schizophrenia rarely presents identically in every single case; symptoms vary greatly from person to person.
However, to reiterate, I believe it is accurate to say one exists in a world where common sense is utterly transformed.
For instance, I firmly believed the moon was round, yet those around me began insisting it was triangular.
Even though the moon I saw in the night sky and the moon in photographs were both round, others started claiming it was triangular.
That sort of situation perfectly describes the sensation of being trapped in a delusional state.
My Delusional State
Now, regarding my own delusional state: I constantly felt that an employee sitting behind me at work was whispering malicious gossip about me.
When I consulted my supervisor, they said, ‘I don’t hear any such voices, you’re overthinking it. Why not wear earphones?’ So that’s what I did.
Incidentally, the terrifying aspect of schizophrenia is this: even if bullying triggers its onset, the very fact of that bullying can be concealed.
The bully can simply claim the victim’s perception of being bullied was itself a delusion. In other words, once diagnosed with schizophrenia, the individual loses the capacity to determine what is real through their own reasoning.
Even if someone insults you right in front of you, if that person says they didn’t say it, you can blame it on the schizophrenia.
In other words, if you’re experiencing power harassment, proving it isn’t enough with just notes; you need to have actually recorded the insults or abusive language on a voice recorder to prove it.
Because of this, I can’t tell whether I was convinced of it due to schizophrenia-related delusions from the start, or if I was actually being insulted.
When in a delusional state, auditory hallucinations also occur. These hallucinations sound so real that they cannot be distinguished from actual voices.
The delusions escalate.
Indeed, while wearing earphones, I did not hear the insults.
However, this was not because the insults weren’t actually being made. Hallucinations sometimes occur regardless of whether earphones are worn or not.
Amidst this, romantic delusions then emerged at work.
What exactly is a romantic delusion? It’s the belief that someone at work is romantically interested in me.
Romantic delusions are problematic because they appear regardless of whether there’s any basis for them, making them particularly troublesome.
Next, the romantic delusion gave way to a persecution complex.
I felt that people at work were saying nasty things about me, spreading rumours – both true and false – and it was extremely distressing.
After that, I even began to see hallucinations of being stalked all the way to my home.
Ultimately Hospitalised
Even at home, I heard the voices of multiple colleagues. I became convinced people from work had moved into the flats on either side of mine, and that listening devices and hidden cameras were installed throughout my home. These delusions spread, and even when outside, the thought that someone was following me never left my mind.
My delusions escalated to believing numerous surveillance cameras were installed throughout my home, even in the bathroom and toilet, and that live streams of my home were being broadcast on YouTube.
In this state, I began to think that perhaps I had done something terrible to deserve such relentless harassment, and that everyone would be relieved if I were no longer around.
However, I couldn’t go through with it, thinking that if I died alone, it would cause trouble for those who had to deal with the body…
Ultimately, I thought that being admitted to a psychiatric hospital might prevent me from causing trouble, so I called one and went for an appointment.
In the hospital waiting room, even the sound of the television seemed like it was saying bad things about me.
As a result, I was admitted under protective custody and placed in a secure ward immediately.
Second Relapse
I realised I couldn’t make sound judgements during my first delusional state.
So, following advice from an acquaintance, I started keeping a health management log.
This became a sign that something was different from usual.
As my symptoms worsened, I began noticing I couldn’t manage household chores, bathe, keep myself presentable, or handle my finances properly.
Then, delusions concerning numbers began to emerge. Whilst in this delusional state, I phoned the psychiatric hospital saying, ‘This thought is clearly absurd, isn’t it?’, which led to my admission.
Paranoid delusions and romantic delusions had been present even before that, but at that stage, I was unable to make sound judgements. It was only as my condition worsened that I finally began to realise. With schizophrenia, once the delusions emerge, it becomes uncontrollable. However, if you catch it at the stage where delusions are just beginning to form, there is a possibility you can recognise your own abnormality.
By performing self-checks when you notice unusual changes, you can spot the signs that something is seriously wrong. This increases your options to take a break before the condition worsens.
Therefore, I believe the key to battling schizophrenia lies in recognising these “unusual” signs to suppress the onset of symptoms.
Supplementary Note: For Those with Similar Experiences
Such experiences may be classified as “positive symptoms of schizophrenia”.
Those seeking specialist knowledge or support services may also find the following site useful:
My current writing and the writing I produced during my delusions are clearly different.
Notes from Schizophrenia Delusion Period
Finally, I’m including my notebook from when I was ill and experiencing delusions, for reference only. (Incidentally, I wrote over 100 pages lol)
